Equity Sales - The SNL Sketch
Ever wondered what Wall Street is really like? Let’s check in with my SNL spec script to find out.
TITLE CARD - A video intro shows the Manhattan skyline intercut with Bloomberg screens flashing red and green as prices change. The familiar theme music from the hit HBO show SUCCESSION overlays the action, preparing the audience for a high finance thrill ride.
INTERIOR – A bank trading desk, similar to those seen in shows like INDUSTRY and BILLIONS. TV monitors show financial news underneath a large GOLDMAN SACHS logo.
A team of young, attractive bankers including MIKEY DAY, CHLOE FINEMAN, and BOWEN YANG are seated in front of their Bloomberg terminals, chatting to clients on wireless headsets. All are dressed in upscale business casual attire.
CUT TO – HEIDI GARDNER, looking like a finance girlboss in a long skirt, silk blouse and high heels, is standing behind her new workstation. A schlubby IT Guy (HOST JONAH HILL) is seated in front of her, setting up her computer while team manager KEENAN THOMPSON, outfitted in a WALL STREET SUIT & SUSPENDERS, stands beside her.
KEENAN
Well, you made it! Welcome to the equity sales team here at Goldman Sachs.
HEIDI
Thank you so much. I’m really excited to be here and I can’t wait to get started.
KEENAN
As you know, this is one of the most competitive jobs on Wall Street. You’re going to be selling big blocks of stocks to institutions, high net worth investors, even celebrities. It’s a demanding lifestyle but we think you’ve got what it takes.
HEIDI
It’s an unbelievable opportunity. I feel like I’ve been preparing my whole life for this.
KEENAN
You’re gonna do great. Finance major, top of your class at Harvard Business School, president of the student investor’s club…
HEIDI
[Embarrassed] I just hope it’s enough.
KEENAN
Look, out here in the real world you’re going to find that who you know is just as important as what you know. That’s why we’re giving you the best technology that money can buy to help you find new clients and close the sale. [To the IT GUY]: Gary, how are we lookin’?
IT GUY
[Tapping ostentatiously on the keyboard] Great, great. Just finished getting her Bloomberg terminal set up.
KEENAN
[TO HEIDI] You’re going to need to stay on top of the market and tell your clients what they need to know.
HEIDI
Absolutely. But I don’t have actually have any clients yet. Do you assign me a list of prospects or something?
KEENAN
[WRY GRIN] Well…not exactly…
IT GUY
[Tapping ostentatiously on the keyboard]. Okay, guys, I got the first one set up. [TO HEIDI] Are you familiar with this app?
HEIDI
[Looks at her screen and reacts with disbelief]. Wait…HINGE?
KEENAN
[CHUCKLING] Look, don’t get the wrong idea. We’ve just found that it’s really a great way to meet prospects. By the way, what’s your situation? Fiancee? Boyfriend? Girlfriend?
HEIDI
I’m single. But I just don’t know if I feel comfortable….
KEENEN
Of course. You’ve got to find what works for you. But we’ve had a lot of success with this approach.
CUT TO – CHLOE FINEMAN, who is now changed out of her business casual attire and into a leather miniskirt and low cut top.
CHLOE
[Giggling] You’re so funny babe. Yes, I’m absolutely free tonight! I can’t wait to see you. No, you hang up first. [Pause] No, you! [Pause] No, you!
HEIDI
[Obviously uncomfortable] This isn’t really what I was picturing when I accepted the offer.
KEENEN
I understand. Look, there’s lot of ways to build a client base.
IT GUY
[Tapping ostentatiously on the keyboard]. Totally. Here, this one’s great, I just got it installed.
HEIDI
[Looks at the screen] RAYA!?
KEENEN
Trust me, NBA players buy a lot of stock. And you would not believe some of the clients we’ve found on there.
CUT TO – MIKEY DAY, shirtless, wearing a bow tie and cowboy hat. His chest is obviously oiled up as though he were performing in MAGIC MIKE.
MIKEY
[Purring into the phone] You are so naughty! Yeah, you know I’ll be seeing you later.
[Hangs up and calls across the room in a no-nonsense voice] Okay, I’ve got 10,000 of EXXON and another 10,000 of GENERAL DYNAMICS for Gwyneth! Book it!
HEIDI
[Looks appalled] I don’t know if I can do this.
IT GUY
[Tapping ostentatiously on the keyboard] Okay, I’m finished here. Miss, good luck, let me know if anything isn’t working.
HEIDI
[Takes a seat behind her monitor and looks up in disgust] GRINDR? Really?
CUT TO – BOWEN YANG, wearing his original business casual attire, now with a leather dog collar that reads BITCH in sparkling rhinestones
BOWEN
[Speaking calmly and professionally] It’s just ticked up to 133, Daddy. Do you want me to go fetch it for you? I’ll be a good boy if you want it.
CUT TO – KEENAN THOMPSON, now outfitted in a 70’s style pimp outfit
KEENAN
[Nodding enthusiastically] Oooh, baby, another record year!
CAMERA PULLS OUT AND FADES OUT TO THE SUCCESSION THEME SONG